Wednesday, December 24, 2008
So what's the occasion today... It's Christmas Eve! And soon it'll be Christmas! People say it's the festival of joy and giving. People say it's time for some presents and gathering under the Christmas tree. People say let's go out in the snow and have some fun. People say omg it's so damn freaking hot out there. But what the heck... I feel no nuts at all.
Many things change, especially when one grows older. Things are hardly the same anymore. I can't remember when was the last time I received a Christmas present. I can't remember when was the last time I sat down with my brothers under the Christmas tree, opening all the presents we have. I can't remember the excitement and anticipation I had for all the family gatherings on this so-called-special day.
Perhaps people just tend to out-grow many things. Like how all of us out-grow all the little toy models or dolls we had when we were little kids. Like how we would out-grow all the pestering of our parents to carry us around and bring us to the playground. And perhaps out-growing the inner self that we once had. How I was so carefree and easily contented about all the little things in life. How I lived through each day thinking that it would be another day to play with my toys. How I would have pull my dad's pants everyday to bring me to the amusement park and take the rides with me. Wouldn't it be great if things were the same as it was before...
Perhaps I just have not learned to appreciate the "joy" of all the problems of life. Perhaps I'm just being too pessimistic about everything that comes. Perhaps I just don't know how to enjoy life. Or perhaps I just don't know how to let it go...
I'm getting real tired. Real worn out. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much longer I can hold. I read this article. They say "time heals all wounds". I sure hope it does. But too bad... it doesn't. Time is just a realm of space. It can be ruthless, cold, unforgiving. Or just the opposite. Time can wear you out, torture you bit by bit, and eventually take you away. Or it can help you get away from all the troubles and worries of life. But what matters isn't time itself. It's you.
Perhaps I'm just too dumb to comprehend its true meaning. Or perhaps I just don't want to comprehend. Or perhaps I can't. I know this isn't going to bring me anywhere. But I can't help it. What can I do...
Maybe I should just live in my dreams, with my dreams, where I feel no worries, no troubles, no pain. But eventually, I have to get back into the real world. Whatever I see, whatever I do, whatever I hear, somehow, it brings me back to you. However I avoid, However I run, However I get away, somehow, nothing will change. The wound in my heart never stops hurting. The scar that remains never goes away...
{2:22 PM}