Training today was... Err... Pretty happening comparatively. Coach shocked the hell of everyone just now. =O Stoned at the rooftop of block D (I think) for quite some time after training. School at night in the holidays really is very quiet. Though it wasn't really that quiet just now with all the chit-chatting going on. Really nice place to get away from everything...

on the surface everything seems alright... but I still don't dare and don't know how to face you...

{10:10 PM}

This feeling ain't right... I can't explain it myself... I don't know why...

It isn't exactly the same as before... but it's still hurting...

Perhaps it isn't hurt... maybe fear... fear of losing you... forever...

{1:45 PM}

I don't know how to describe my feelings right now...

Lost and found perhaps?

{11:10 PM}

Just came back from a hair cut (like finally! Haha!). Decided to walk around Novena Square since I had nothing to do anyway if I came back home. Okay. Not really with all the holiday homework which I totally have no intention of touching them. =P

Unknowingly I walked to the spot just outside of the complex where we sat down that day. Wouldn't it be great if things were the same as before... Can things return to what it was before... Will things be the same as before...

I'm tired of running, away from reality.

And I think it's time for me to face it.

{3:36 PM}

Looking at my previous posts, I guess let's take a break from all the emo-ness. Haha. So sorry for all you readers out there who read my emo posts especially on Christmas and Boxing Day. =/

Today was ... err... GREAT! =D Went shopping after church today with my parents. Bought myself a new shoe and a shirt! =O My brothers bought some shirts and a vest too! BIG BIG damage. Hehe =P I think my dad slashed like 400/500 bucks today? OOPS =/ OH! And the total90 gym bag (red and black) is damn niceeeee! LOL! But I didn't buy in the end. Damage too much... Haha!

Supposed to cut my hair today but I guess there wasn't enough time. Haha. Time to cut hair tomorrow!



Was looking at my past archives and came across this Chinese phrase...

前方是绝路, 希望在转角

Forgotten what I was thinking when I saw this phrase and how I ended up blogging about it but it doesn't really matter already. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that it's a deadend and there's nothing I can do about it. Rather than crashing myself against the wall, why not take a turn.

Life has never been a straight road anyway. It's like an endless maze. You have to find a way out of it no matter what. Simply trying to break the walls is just going to waste your energy.

let go, let God...

p.s. can't remember where I read this last line from but I remember reading it somewhere. Haha! =P

edit/
I think I remember where I read the last line from already... =)

{10:54 PM}

Seems that I'm updating quite often these days. But all for the wrong reasons...

Hate sleepless nights. Like what happens almost every night... Whenever I close my eyes, there isn't place for my tears that uncontrollably flow down my cheek, because all I see is you...

Hate crying myself to sleep. Like what happens almost every night... It feels that I'm all alone, in darkness, with no one to turn to, seemingly trapped in a deep dark abyss for eternity...

Hate feeling so helpless. Like what happens almost every night... It feels as though I'm walking through a long long tunnel. It never seems to end, always searching for the light at the end of it. Just hoping that it won't be just another train that will push me back to square one over again...

But what matters really isn't loneliness... It's being forgotten by someone you could never forget...

Looks like I have to wash my face in tears tonight... yet again...

{12:13 AM}

I seriously don't know what am I doing awake at this hour. Can't seem to get asleep. Slept from like 11 and woke up at 1 just to find myself tossing and turning on my bed till now.

And so it's Christmas. Just another day every year that I have to go to church for mass. Just another day I go to my grandma's house for dinner. Just that there aren't any presents for me to open this year.

Maybe I shouldn't even get up from my bed to be here. Maybe I should just continue to be living in my dreams. But every time I close my eyes, you appear in my mind. There's this sudden pain in my chest, tears unknowingly flowing down my cheek. I tried to bring myself away but I never succeeded, just like the moon and stars. Be it covered by the clouds or light too faint to be seen, they will always be there, never leaving the sky.

For Sale:
One Heart.
Horrible Condition.
Will take anything for it.
Please.
Just cut it out of my chest and end this suffering.

{3:29 AM}

So what's the occasion today... It's Christmas Eve! And soon it'll be Christmas! People say it's the festival of joy and giving. People say it's time for some presents and gathering under the Christmas tree. People say let's go out in the snow and have some fun. People say omg it's so damn freaking hot out there. But what the heck... I feel no nuts at all.

Many things change, especially when one grows older. Things are hardly the same anymore. I can't remember when was the last time I received a Christmas present. I can't remember when was the last time I sat down with my brothers under the Christmas tree, opening all the presents we have. I can't remember the excitement and anticipation I had for all the family gatherings on this so-called-special day.

Perhaps people just tend to out-grow many things. Like how all of us out-grow all the little toy models or dolls we had when we were little kids. Like how we would out-grow all the pestering of our parents to carry us around and bring us to the playground. And perhaps out-growing the inner self that we once had. How I was so carefree and easily contented about all the little things in life. How I lived through each day thinking that it would be another day to play with my toys. How I would have pull my dad's pants everyday to bring me to the amusement park and take the rides with me. Wouldn't it be great if things were the same as it was before...

Perhaps I just have not learned to appreciate the "joy" of all the problems of life. Perhaps I'm just being too pessimistic about everything that comes. Perhaps I just don't know how to enjoy life. Or perhaps I just don't know how to let it go...

I'm getting real tired. Real worn out. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much longer I can hold. I read this article. They say "time heals all wounds". I sure hope it does. But too bad... it doesn't. Time is just a realm of space. It can be ruthless, cold, unforgiving. Or just the opposite. Time can wear you out, torture you bit by bit, and eventually take you away. Or it can help you get away from all the troubles and worries of life. But what matters isn't time itself. It's you.

Perhaps I'm just too dumb to comprehend its true meaning. Or perhaps I just don't want to comprehend. Or perhaps I can't. I know this isn't going to bring me anywhere. But I can't help it. What can I do...

Maybe I should just live in my dreams, with my dreams, where I feel no worries, no troubles, no pain. But eventually, I have to get back into the real world. Whatever I see, whatever I do, whatever I hear, somehow, it brings me back to you. However I avoid, However I run, However I get away, somehow, nothing will change. The wound in my heart never stops hurting. The scar that remains never goes away...

{2:22 PM}

"God thought the world He created was perfect. But look at the mess it is in now."

Saw this line from an old Chinese movie I was watching and started thinking about the world of my own. Perhaps the world was a perfect place, and so was mine. Until people/I started to mess it all up.

How I wish that I was still a little kid. Young and innocent. Unaware of all the troubles and problems of life. Waiting for every day to pass as if it was just another day that I can play with my little toys, going to the playground, carried around by my parents. How I wish everything was that simple. Wouldn't it be perfect...

But then again... What is "perfect"... A playground would be a perfect wonderland for a little kid. Being rich would be perfect for a businessman. What about a playground for the businessman or money for the little kid? Perhaps being perfect is subjective after all. And so to God the world is perfect. But it may not be the case for us all.

Or perhaps a little mess in life would be better. So perhaps the world is perfect and imperfect. That makes good and bad different. "Good" exist because of "evil". And so "perfect" exist because things are imperfect.

So the world is perfectly fine... Because it is imperfect. Same for my world. So after all, people didn't mess up the world. They just made it more "perfect".

Sometimes I wonder if things really go according to nature, or fate, or God, or a reflection of another dimension or something else. I wonder why did my life ended up like this. Perhaps it is nature. Perhaps it is destined to be like this because of fate. Perhaps it is God who is controlling whatever that happens. Or perhaps someone or something in the other dimension is messing up my life. All I know is that all these hurts... It really does...

I wanna cry... I really do... But I can't...
I want you back in my life... And I want you out of it too...

p.s. I never really understood a lyrics of a song as much as this. Lindsay Lohan ~ Something I never had

{1:05 PM}

I'm starting to believe that my dad always has to spend money whenever he comes back. Haha. Just bought a new printer, a karaoke player?, and some cooking stuff all of which amounted to near 1k? =/ My dad is somehow a little crazy over karaoke nowadays. Haha.

Decided not to go for CIP today. Firstly I have enough hours. Secondly... Err... I don't feel like going. LOL! Stayed at home installed the printer, watched a movie. Ya... Boring hours. Zzz...

Oh! And Mrs Loh is leaving! =O this is damn sad la. =(( Though I'm not in CHS anymore. But still... =(

Life sucks... seriously...

{5:10 PM}

Today isn't the best of days... Yeah...... Hope tomorrow will be better... Sigh......

This is such a torture...

{11:23 PM}

Had been some time since I last came back at this hour. Haven't been staying out late these days...

Watched Cape No. 7 with zhenrui, june, yulei and chris after rushing from a friendly match at NUS. And I thought I was late but SOME CHIO BU was later than me. Haha! Movie was erm... good? The plot was a little too messy and seems that there are some loopholes? Or maybe I didn't catch the whole idea of it. LOL! But nice little love story. At least it isn't a cartoon! Hahaha.

Weekend is going to be boring again... =/



What's left behind... Is it memories... Or emptiness...

{11:07 PM}

Back from freezing Shanghai like FINALLY! Haha! Didn't buy a lot of stuffs. Much rotting done there. Yadayadaya... Whatever. Haha. Too lazy to talk about what happened like those f*cking China bastards who smoke everywhere and choking the entire country with pollutant gases. Fancy aiming to be a superpower with its people behaving like this. -.- Ok! Enough! LOL!

Watched Bolt today with Pat, Eld and Sufen. The show was quite cute. =D Was niao-ing Pat the whole time. HAHA! Say yourself fat somemore la! XP

Training tomorrow... Zzz!! =/

既是逆缘, 何不随缘... sigh...

{10:14 PM}

Greetings from shanghai!! HAHA! =D have been doing pretty well over here. Just a little bit TOO COLD! =/ This is just a short little post because my dad needs his laptop to work. Anyone wants anything from shanghai just drop me a sms! Haha! =))
no replies from sms, offline msgs. no news. no emails. seems lik ur avoiding me. nvm. wateva.. my heart's getting numb alr..

{7:30 PM}

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